I'm tired of chasing people. I'm tired of trying. People get to a certain point in their life and they just kinda forget about you. It makes you wonder what kind of impression you left. And then every now and then you get a Facebook wall post (gag me) saying "hey how are you. I miss you. yada yada." I'm not talking people who you hung out with every now and then or kinda a little bit. But people who you used to see all the time, talk to all the time, had fairly substantial relationships with. And you wonder, "Did you really miss me? Were you really randomly thinking about me? Or did my picture pop up on the right side of FB that says "hey! You should write on this person's wall cause it's fun."
I feel like the instantaneousness of the internet and sites like Facebook and MySpace have all but eradicated the desire for human contact or the need for the tangible. We're just fine with shooting someone a message on facebook or even a text when it would take so much less time to phone someone and leave them a voicemail. Plus it's just nicer. It's nicer to receive a voicemail. I mean I just don't get it. Now, I'm guilty of this as well. Writing on people's walls and shooting a text as opposed to calling. But I have a deep disdain for it. However, since it is such a major part of 21st century communication, you can't just not partake ya know? But I don't understand couples, particularly married couples, that write on each other's walls and stuff. It's like, you live with this person. You see them... MOST of the time. You couldn't tell them you loved them when you saw them in, ohhh I don't know, real life? You can't leave them a message on their phone with your voice, which I'm sure they'd rather hear anyways. It just makes no sense to me. If I'm in relationship, I don't want to see writing on my wall how much you love me. You best be telling it to my face or else I'm gonna think you're full of shit.
Keep in mind this is just my opinion. I'm not judging anyone. You want to do that, go right ahead. I just think it's absolutely ridiculous. But yes backtracking a bit, I'm tired of chasing people. I'm tired of trying to put time and energy into relationships with people that I do care about and it not go anywhere. And it's frustrating because I wonder what happened. When did you decide to stop talking to me? When did you decide that my calls weren't worth returning? Yet you'll wish me a happy birthday on my facebook wall yea? Rubbish, the whole lot. With the people who you were close to, now you talk to them and all of a sudden you have nothing to talk about. How did we go driving around for hours just talking about God knows what? And now our conversations are so perfunctory and superficial, it's kinda ridiculous. Plus, you want me to visit. If we can't carry out a conversation online, what the hell is gonna happen if we're hanging around each other for a couple of days? Someone is gonna get dead that's what's gonna happen. :sigh: I don't know.
I guess this is just coming from a general loneliness that is being felt. I live in a place that is ridiculously heavily populated and yet I feel very lonely. I have friends but I don't see them all that much. People are busy and everything. They have their lives. I have mine. I'm fairly busy as well. But it's not like anyone is seeking me out. Hence the sentiments of being tired of chasing people. I feel like I do a lot of seeking people out but the other way round doesn't really happen. You say to someone " we should hang out" they respond "Oh yea definitely!" Gee I'm glad you agree with this notion which you wouldn't have thought about unless I said something. Awesome. I have people from work that I'm kinda friends with but that doesn't extend outside of work, which I find a bit interesting. And it's not like anyone is jumping at the chance to bridge that gap. It can just get a bit disheartening. It also doesn't help that most of my really close friends are scattered around the world and each of them holds an integral piece of me. So my soul is scattered all about. Awesome times 2.
I don't know. Maybe I'm in a funk. Maybe I'm just way over due to move out of NY. Though the way it's looking I might be sticking around here a bit longer. Gonna get off LI, don't get me wrong. But unless I get a lightning bolt of divine intervention that says "THIS is what you're supposed to be doing and in THIS place!" I'm gonna stick around so I can take pre-req. courses for a lot less money at a CUNY school.
Something's gotta give, somewhere. Right?
Right?
