I'm not one for reaching...but can I stay here?

I'm scared. I'm freaking out. I'm trying not to. Really. I give it a valiant effort. But I am finding it very difficult. I'm trying to trust. I'm trying to just live in Today and worry only about Today and not think about Tomorrow. Something that I usually have a good handle on.

But not today. I am in panic mode. I don't want to be. I don't like it.

I'm trying to trust the he has everything under control. However, it's hard when you know something and do believe it in your head but it's not connecting with your heart. It's hard when someone is telling you that an all knowing, all powerful being wants, wants as in completely desires to fulfill all of your needs and yet the one thing that you really need to be taken care of at this moment in time, is not being taking care. It's hard to trust that bit of information that is being told you. You ask and ask and try and yet for whatever reason still come up empty-handed. It's hard when everything around you seems to be crumbling and out of control even though the One is supposed to have everything under control. It's hard to trust in that control when the need is great. It's hard to believe that you will be given what is needed for the day when one thing that was needed yesterday didn't come yesterday. He never said it would be easy. But at times it feels impossible. I am in panic mode. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to rest in the knowledge of outside control. I surrendered my day but as it comes to a close I can feel the panic reset. I can feel the uncertainty of tomorrow creep in. It's stifling. It suffocates. I'm trying to breathe. All I feel is failure.

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
That you are forever healing

You can't hear what I'm not saying
And I can hold out long enough
Treading water I keep from sinking
I'm not one for reaching

Deny myself, deny my heart
Deny your hand, deny your help
and you offer me eternity
but why should I buy that? - Jars of Clay

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide- Jars of Clay

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You

Can I stay here forever
Here with you?
Surrounded by Your mercy
Clothed in Your truth

Can I be here forever
Here with You?
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love You?
Always, Lord, let me stay
Always, here with You- Starfield

Noodle, use your noodle, noodle, do the noodle dance

The brain is a fascinating and probably the most mysterious organ in the body.

It is probably the one organ that we have the least amount of information about regarding usage, aliments, potential etc. Nobody's brain works the same. I mean basic functionality wise, we're all on the same level but other than that everyone's brain is unique. Our brain dictates our personalities, how we handle situations, how we process information, how we communicate etc. It's just amazing. Neurological issues are the most controversial, I think as far as, how can one really tell? You're not in that person's head, you don't know what goes on, how they see the world, what experiences they replay and how those have shaped who they are today. Unless you're telepathic, then how do we really know?

We know how to fix certain things in the brain. But only physical things like tumors, aneurysms, blood clots, re-attaching nerves, isolating a part of the brain that may be causing problems and removing it. We know how to do that but it is very delicate work because the brain is also the most delicate organ in many ways. I mean we have a 7.1mm (6.5 for men) encasing around it with no huge gaps like with a rib cage or anything. That's pretty hardcore. It's also mentally as far as being influenced. Certain images can be burned into someone's memory and that image has the potential to forever change that person. That's craziness ya know? How does that work though? How can someone who's walking around fine one minute and then the next they witness something that forces them to shut down and they become catatonic?

We don't know exactly how the brain works cognitively. We don't know for sure how memories are made, we know what kinds there are but not how. We don't know what exactly causes disorder's such as depression, Asperger's, social anxiety, schizophrenia or Alzheimer's. We don't know any of that information. We know that depression or ADHD have to do with neuro-receptors and chemical imbalances but we don't know what causes misfirings and these imbalances. We don't know exactly what causes someone to lose complete recognition of their surroundings, time or loved ones. What exactly causes someone to hallucinate? We don't know. It blows my mind. It's hard to see someone completely glaze over and not respond right away to a stimulus and not know where they went. It's even harder to watch someone slowly lose themselves. Right now, I have a neighbor who suffers from dementia. It's scary and sad. We'll be having a conversation and would have discussed the same piece of information multiple times within 10 minutes. The other day she didn't recognize, Dani (who has lived on this block her whole life) and didn't know that Jake, 3 yrs. old, was Dani's son. :sigh: It's unreal sometimes, to think that one day someone who you knew was just fine, won't know who you are someday. It's unreal.

The brain is a scary place but it holds so much mystery. The intricacies of everything.... it just further convinces me that a higher power is responsible for the existence of the human race and the world it lives in.

Yesterday
Once again
I fell down and broke a friend
Words were said
Out of place
and I hope that it's not too late
To right this wrong
Cause I was wrong

I struck the match
and I burned the bridge
and I'm to blame for all of it
I lost your trust
When I drew my sword
This distance is my just reward
Can I undo the damage done

damage done

Couldn't sleep
Part of me
Was crying out from hurtin' you
So afraid
You would say
There is nothing I can do
To right this wrong
'cause I was wrong

I struck the match
and I burned the bridge
and I'm to blame for all of it
I lost your trust
When I drew my sword
This distance is my just reward
Can I undo the damage done

damage done

Listen friend
I must confess
You deserve more
and I gave you less
as It tears me up
That I let you down
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

'cause I struck the match
and I burned the bridge
and I'm to blame for all of it
I lost your trust
When I drew my sword
This distance is my just reward
Can I undo the damage done

- "Damage Done" Shaun Groves

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet...

Mmmm Shakespeare.

I love the language of Shakespeare and Marlowe and all of them. Even the 18th /19th century writers, the Brontes, Austen, Dickens. It's amazing the transformation language has gone through. Back then words seemed cryptic, but only to us modern day speakers. In actuality, the language was elegant, metaphoric and just beautiful. Even something as simple as "let's take a walk" sounds so much better as "lady, will you walk about with your friend?" Or how about confessing your heart "I love you" or "For I cannot be mine own, nor any thing to any, if I be not thine." Now which sounds better? That's what I thought. Unfortunately, it's hard to find people with a true love of Shakespeare because they find it so hard to understand and it requires sooo much thinking and this I find to be a travesty. Of course, I don't know if people actually spoke to each other like they do in the plays, probably no since it rhymed more often then not but still it sounds so much better.

Even the works of Austen, which is easier to understand, still evident of a more elegant way of conversing. I think part of it has to do with grammar and sentence structure and just phrasing.

"Liz, let's walk a little around the room. It'll be a nice change from sitting this whole time." or

"Miss Eliza Bennet, let me persuade you to follow my example, and take a turn about the room. I assure you it is very refreshing after sitting so long in one attitude."

"Will you marry me?" or

"If, your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed. But one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed...I would have to tell you, you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love...I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

So many more words yes but sounds infinitely more elegant. I blame the fact that we are Americans. The English have a reputation for a love of the language. Depending on how it is said you can hear the extra care in the words when spoken. Yes, America was born of the English but we were also very desperate to separate ourselves from them. I mean have you ever wondered where accents originated from? Boston, Upstate New York, Brooklyn, Staten Island, "Minnesoda", Midwest, Texan, Southern. If the origins were from Britain, how did all of these accents spring up? Even within different regions there are different accents. It's kinda crazy. Language is crazy and wonderful and I want to learn as many as I can. Currently in the middle of learning French and Italian. And I want to become fluent in Spanish, but my confidence in my abilities is none. I think too much which in turn trips me up and I go blank. Anyways, language. Go read an Old English piece of literature. And don't think too much about the meanings but instead let the meanings just manifest themselves of their own accord. And if you're not ready for Old English, check out the 18th Century. You will not be disappointed.

Unless you want to be.

Sippin' on some Jack...

Often times than not music has the words that fit perfectly

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey St.
And she thinks..."hey
How did I come to this
I dreamed myself thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place"
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together
To grey, and it breaks her heart

Oh how she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears He doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her He might
She says "I pray
But they fall on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place?"
There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now,
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together
It's grey, and it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says "take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything
It will take the work out of the courage"
She says "please
There's a crazy man creeping that's outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world"

Oh there's an emptiness insider her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart...Oh and it breaks her heart
To grey, Yeah...

-"Grey Street" DMB

Remember the Time When We First Met

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with." - MJ

Now I don't remember the first time I was introduced to the music of Michael Jackson. I do remember however the first time I watched the whole thing of "Thriller" when I was like 4 yrs old and it scared the shit out of me. I think I watched it without permission too, cause you know that's how I do. :-) Little did I know that I just saw music history. Of course, I was only 4. I remember deciding that I needed to know how to moonwalk. So now I can. I remember the music videos that all seemed like short films. All brilliant. Learning the dances to Thriller, Smooth Criminal and Beat It cause it was so cool. I remember babysitting these two little boys and watching Michael Jackson videos every time and having dance parties with them. So much fun.

Yesterday we lost a brilliant performer and it's very surreal. A man that changed the music industry and revolutionized dance and entertainment. Michael Jackson was hands down a genius. You could not count the sheer number of people worldwide that know his music. The amount of people in the music world that name him as an influence. The people in the dance world that started dancing because of him. It's kinda ridiculous to think about the impact one guy could have and the type of legacy he could build. 750 million records sold worldwide, 13 Grammys (6 of those for Thriller {the best selling album of all time}), 13 Number One singles in his solo career. He holds multiple Guinness World Records including The Most Successful Entertainer of All Time. That's bigger than Elvis, The Beatles or any big name in music you can think of. I don't care what anyone says that is NUCKIN' FUTS!

The sad part is the vast majority of the younger generation of people that know of MJ know him cause of all the controversy that surrounded him in the late nineties into the 2000s. Those of us who grew up with him in the 70s (not me) and 80s (yup that's me) know him for his brilliance in entertainment. There never will be another Michael Jackson. And if there is then great. But I truly think (and I'm not alone on this) that Michael is one of a kind and that type of success will never be duplicated. I really don't think the youth of america really understand or grasp the magnitude of his influence. IT'S CRAZY! But forget all that stuff, he was accused of doing some pretty messed up things (which was never proven and he was acquitted) so of course that makes him scum. I'll be the first to say that he was a character and fairly eccentric and I don't get all the plastic surgery but hey whatever, people will do what they want. But I'm not gonna point a finger at him for things that I know nothing about and didn't witness myself. BUT I did witness his music, his music videos, and televised performances. I can attest to that.

Some people will choose to remember him by his eccentricity, unfounded allegations, odd behavior at times and his ever changing physical appearance. This person, however, will choose to honor his name. As I sit here watching his videos and still marveling at his music and choreography, I will remember his vast accomplishments in the music industry, internationally and his philanthropy. RIP Michael, we lost you too soon and I pity the fool who disgraces your legacy.

Better stick to performance art and photographing humanoids...

Alone.

In a crowded room.

Staring.

Blank faces.

Familiar smiles.

You know them.

A tree falls.

In an empty wood.

It still makes a sound.

Alone.

In a crowded room.

Loud noises.

Nothing distinct.

A buzz in your ear.

Incessant hum of bees.

Irritating.

Alone.

In a crowded room.

Open your mouth.

No sound.

Or is there?

No heads turn.

Obvious silence.

A tree falls.

In an empty wood.

It still makes a sound.

This has no meaning. I wrote it in 5 minutes. Poetry is dissatisfactory. I need a different medium.

NEXT!