Time To Do This For Me

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ‘em
But you won’t take the sting out these words before I say ‘em
Cause ain’t no way I’m let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say I’ma do something I do it, I don’t give a damn
What you think, I’m doing this for me, so f-ck the world
Feed it beans, it’s gassed up, if it thinks its stopping me
I’mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I’m tearing down your balcony

Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I’m raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I’m too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

I'm not afraid, to take a stand

Everybody, come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road

- "Not Afraid" Eminem

Let's Get Rich and Buy Each Other homes In the South of France

Communication is fabric by which without, all of society would crumble.

I'm tired of chasing people. I'm tired of trying. People get to a certain point in their life and they just kinda forget about you. It makes you wonder what kind of impression you left. And then every now and then you get a Facebook wall post (gag me) saying "hey how are you. I miss you. yada yada." I'm not talking people who you hung out with every now and then or kinda a little bit. But people who you used to see all the time, talk to all the time, had fairly substantial relationships with. And you wonder, "Did you really miss me? Were you really randomly thinking about me? Or did my picture pop up on the right side of FB that says "hey! You should write on this person's wall cause it's fun."

I feel like the instantaneousness of the internet and sites like Facebook and MySpace have all but eradicated the desire for human contact or the need for the tangible. We're just fine with shooting someone a message on facebook or even a text when it would take so much less time to phone someone and leave them a voicemail. Plus it's just nicer. It's nicer to receive a voicemail. I mean I just don't get it. Now, I'm guilty of this as well. Writing on people's walls and shooting a text as opposed to calling. But I have a deep disdain for it. However, since it is such a major part of 21st century communication, you can't just not partake ya know? But I don't understand couples, particularly married couples, that write on each other's walls and stuff. It's like, you live with this person. You see them... MOST of the time. You couldn't tell them you loved them when you saw them in, ohhh I don't know, real life? You can't leave them a message on their phone with your voice, which I'm sure they'd rather hear anyways. It just makes no sense to me. If I'm in relationship, I don't want to see writing on my wall how much you love me. You best be telling it to my face or else I'm gonna think you're full of shit.

Keep in mind this is just my opinion. I'm not judging anyone. You want to do that, go right ahead. I just think it's absolutely ridiculous. But yes backtracking a bit, I'm tired of chasing people. I'm tired of trying to put time and energy into relationships with people that I do care about and it not go anywhere. And it's frustrating because I wonder what happened. When did you decide to stop talking to me? When did you decide that my calls weren't worth returning? Yet you'll wish me a happy birthday on my facebook wall yea? Rubbish, the whole lot. With the people who you were close to, now you talk to them and all of a sudden you have nothing to talk about. How did we go driving around for hours just talking about God knows what? And now our conversations are so perfunctory and superficial, it's kinda ridiculous. Plus, you want me to visit. If we can't carry out a conversation online, what the hell is gonna happen if we're hanging around each other for a couple of days? Someone is gonna get dead that's what's gonna happen. :sigh: I don't know.

I guess this is just coming from a general loneliness that is being felt. I live in a place that is ridiculously heavily populated and yet I feel very lonely. I have friends but I don't see them all that much. People are busy and everything. They have their lives. I have mine. I'm fairly busy as well. But it's not like anyone is seeking me out. Hence the sentiments of being tired of chasing people. I feel like I do a lot of seeking people out but the other way round doesn't really happen. You say to someone " we should hang out" they respond "Oh yea definitely!" Gee I'm glad you agree with this notion which you wouldn't have thought about unless I said something. Awesome. I have people from work that I'm kinda friends with but that doesn't extend outside of work, which I find a bit interesting. And it's not like anyone is jumping at the chance to bridge that gap. It can just get a bit disheartening. It also doesn't help that most of my really close friends are scattered around the world and each of them holds an integral piece of me. So my soul is scattered all about. Awesome times 2.

I don't know. Maybe I'm in a funk. Maybe I'm just way over due to move out of NY. Though the way it's looking I might be sticking around here a bit longer. Gonna get off LI, don't get me wrong. But unless I get a lightning bolt of divine intervention that says "THIS is what you're supposed to be doing and in THIS place!" I'm gonna stick around so I can take pre-req. courses for a lot less money at a CUNY school.

Something's gotta give, somewhere. Right?

Right?

Is there a such thing as being beyond repair?

Somebody's Getting Married...

I just wanted to announce that I am engaged. To a song.

This song. And here's with 4 people:-)

I could listen to it forever. It's not the lyrics that make it beyond fantastic, it's the cannon. It's the culmination right before the end. It's the meshing of voices cause it's kinda harmony but not since they sing at different times. It makes my heart fly. :sigh:

I'll be sending out invitations to the wedding shortly.

Oh wait nevermind...we're married. Thanks for coming. ^_^

Standin' Cold and Scared on Top of Blue Hill

Change.

In a word, it's a bitch.

Well, it can be. It can also be wonderful. Depending on the direction it's taking. Because not all change is good or bad or healthy. The one thing that is a constant is that change is inevitable. You can't avoid it even if you tried really hard. Like by living in a cave somewhere in the mountains but see the weather would change. Eventually your body would change as you got older or depending on your physical activity or lack there of. Change is happening all the time.

But I'm not really eluding to the stuff that "we know" will happen. I'm talking about the stuff no one ever really plans for. The things that sometimes make life come into perspective. That help open your eyes. That makes life worth living. That makes you wonder why you're alive. That makes you wish you weren't. That makes you pray the end of the day will bring about hope. THAT change is the change I'm talking about. The kind you secretly dread because things are finally starting to turn around. The kind that you know must happen if things are gonna get better. The kind that forces you to do things so you can breathe again even if the end result is not what you really want. The kind that makes your face light up with anticipation. The kind that invites the unknown. The kind that renews life.

Change is scary. Change is beautiful. Change is heartbreaking.

I can't wait for things to change.

It only takes one mistake...

A screaming man falls to his knees
His broken heart, inflicts the pain
He's withdrawn, no one knows his name
One mistake, now he's lost in shame

Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart

Yes it's true, that someone cares
Your perfect friend, never leaving you
Strength is gone and you're feeling cold
You will know the truth that He told

Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart

By Your grace You repair the broken pieces within
Somehow You take a man and make something more out of him

Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart

- Troubled Heart- Kutless

I'm not one for reaching...but can I stay here?

I'm scared. I'm freaking out. I'm trying not to. Really. I give it a valiant effort. But I am finding it very difficult. I'm trying to trust. I'm trying to just live in Today and worry only about Today and not think about Tomorrow. Something that I usually have a good handle on.

But not today. I am in panic mode. I don't want to be. I don't like it.

I'm trying to trust the he has everything under control. However, it's hard when you know something and do believe it in your head but it's not connecting with your heart. It's hard when someone is telling you that an all knowing, all powerful being wants, wants as in completely desires to fulfill all of your needs and yet the one thing that you really need to be taken care of at this moment in time, is not being taking care. It's hard to trust that bit of information that is being told you. You ask and ask and try and yet for whatever reason still come up empty-handed. It's hard when everything around you seems to be crumbling and out of control even though the One is supposed to have everything under control. It's hard to trust in that control when the need is great. It's hard to believe that you will be given what is needed for the day when one thing that was needed yesterday didn't come yesterday. He never said it would be easy. But at times it feels impossible. I am in panic mode. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to rest in the knowledge of outside control. I surrendered my day but as it comes to a close I can feel the panic reset. I can feel the uncertainty of tomorrow creep in. It's stifling. It suffocates. I'm trying to breathe. All I feel is failure.

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
That you are forever healing

You can't hear what I'm not saying
And I can hold out long enough
Treading water I keep from sinking
I'm not one for reaching

Deny myself, deny my heart
Deny your hand, deny your help
and you offer me eternity
but why should I buy that? - Jars of Clay

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide- Jars of Clay

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You

Can I stay here forever
Here with you?
Surrounded by Your mercy
Clothed in Your truth

Can I be here forever
Here with You?
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love You?
Always, Lord, let me stay
Always, here with You- Starfield