I'm not one for reaching...but can I stay here?

I'm scared. I'm freaking out. I'm trying not to. Really. I give it a valiant effort. But I am finding it very difficult. I'm trying to trust. I'm trying to just live in Today and worry only about Today and not think about Tomorrow. Something that I usually have a good handle on.

But not today. I am in panic mode. I don't want to be. I don't like it.

I'm trying to trust the he has everything under control. However, it's hard when you know something and do believe it in your head but it's not connecting with your heart. It's hard when someone is telling you that an all knowing, all powerful being wants, wants as in completely desires to fulfill all of your needs and yet the one thing that you really need to be taken care of at this moment in time, is not being taking care. It's hard to trust that bit of information that is being told you. You ask and ask and try and yet for whatever reason still come up empty-handed. It's hard when everything around you seems to be crumbling and out of control even though the One is supposed to have everything under control. It's hard to trust in that control when the need is great. It's hard to believe that you will be given what is needed for the day when one thing that was needed yesterday didn't come yesterday. He never said it would be easy. But at times it feels impossible. I am in panic mode. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to rest in the knowledge of outside control. I surrendered my day but as it comes to a close I can feel the panic reset. I can feel the uncertainty of tomorrow creep in. It's stifling. It suffocates. I'm trying to breathe. All I feel is failure.

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
That you are forever healing

You can't hear what I'm not saying
And I can hold out long enough
Treading water I keep from sinking
I'm not one for reaching

Deny myself, deny my heart
Deny your hand, deny your help
and you offer me eternity
but why should I buy that? - Jars of Clay

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide- Jars of Clay

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You

Can I stay here forever
Here with you?
Surrounded by Your mercy
Clothed in Your truth

Can I be here forever
Here with You?
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love You?
Always, Lord, let me stay
Always, here with You- Starfield

Noodle, use your noodle, noodle, do the noodle dance

The brain is a fascinating and probably the most mysterious organ in the body.

It is probably the one organ that we have the least amount of information about regarding usage, aliments, potential etc. Nobody's brain works the same. I mean basic functionality wise, we're all on the same level but other than that everyone's brain is unique. Our brain dictates our personalities, how we handle situations, how we process information, how we communicate etc. It's just amazing. Neurological issues are the most controversial, I think as far as, how can one really tell? You're not in that person's head, you don't know what goes on, how they see the world, what experiences they replay and how those have shaped who they are today. Unless you're telepathic, then how do we really know?

We know how to fix certain things in the brain. But only physical things like tumors, aneurysms, blood clots, re-attaching nerves, isolating a part of the brain that may be causing problems and removing it. We know how to do that but it is very delicate work because the brain is also the most delicate organ in many ways. I mean we have a 7.1mm (6.5 for men) encasing around it with no huge gaps like with a rib cage or anything. That's pretty hardcore. It's also mentally as far as being influenced. Certain images can be burned into someone's memory and that image has the potential to forever change that person. That's craziness ya know? How does that work though? How can someone who's walking around fine one minute and then the next they witness something that forces them to shut down and they become catatonic?

We don't know exactly how the brain works cognitively. We don't know for sure how memories are made, we know what kinds there are but not how. We don't know what exactly causes disorder's such as depression, Asperger's, social anxiety, schizophrenia or Alzheimer's. We don't know any of that information. We know that depression or ADHD have to do with neuro-receptors and chemical imbalances but we don't know what causes misfirings and these imbalances. We don't know exactly what causes someone to lose complete recognition of their surroundings, time or loved ones. What exactly causes someone to hallucinate? We don't know. It blows my mind. It's hard to see someone completely glaze over and not respond right away to a stimulus and not know where they went. It's even harder to watch someone slowly lose themselves. Right now, I have a neighbor who suffers from dementia. It's scary and sad. We'll be having a conversation and would have discussed the same piece of information multiple times within 10 minutes. The other day she didn't recognize, Dani (who has lived on this block her whole life) and didn't know that Jake, 3 yrs. old, was Dani's son. :sigh: It's unreal sometimes, to think that one day someone who you knew was just fine, won't know who you are someday. It's unreal.

The brain is a scary place but it holds so much mystery. The intricacies of everything.... it just further convinces me that a higher power is responsible for the existence of the human race and the world it lives in.

Yesterday
Once again
I fell down and broke a friend
Words were said
Out of place
and I hope that it's not too late
To right this wrong
Cause I was wrong

I struck the match
and I burned the bridge
and I'm to blame for all of it
I lost your trust
When I drew my sword
This distance is my just reward
Can I undo the damage done

damage done

Couldn't sleep
Part of me
Was crying out from hurtin' you
So afraid
You would say
There is nothing I can do
To right this wrong
'cause I was wrong

I struck the match
and I burned the bridge
and I'm to blame for all of it
I lost your trust
When I drew my sword
This distance is my just reward
Can I undo the damage done

damage done

Listen friend
I must confess
You deserve more
and I gave you less
as It tears me up
That I let you down
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

'cause I struck the match
and I burned the bridge
and I'm to blame for all of it
I lost your trust
When I drew my sword
This distance is my just reward
Can I undo the damage done

- "Damage Done" Shaun Groves

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet...

Mmmm Shakespeare.

I love the language of Shakespeare and Marlowe and all of them. Even the 18th /19th century writers, the Brontes, Austen, Dickens. It's amazing the transformation language has gone through. Back then words seemed cryptic, but only to us modern day speakers. In actuality, the language was elegant, metaphoric and just beautiful. Even something as simple as "let's take a walk" sounds so much better as "lady, will you walk about with your friend?" Or how about confessing your heart "I love you" or "For I cannot be mine own, nor any thing to any, if I be not thine." Now which sounds better? That's what I thought. Unfortunately, it's hard to find people with a true love of Shakespeare because they find it so hard to understand and it requires sooo much thinking and this I find to be a travesty. Of course, I don't know if people actually spoke to each other like they do in the plays, probably no since it rhymed more often then not but still it sounds so much better.

Even the works of Austen, which is easier to understand, still evident of a more elegant way of conversing. I think part of it has to do with grammar and sentence structure and just phrasing.

"Liz, let's walk a little around the room. It'll be a nice change from sitting this whole time." or

"Miss Eliza Bennet, let me persuade you to follow my example, and take a turn about the room. I assure you it is very refreshing after sitting so long in one attitude."

"Will you marry me?" or

"If, your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed. But one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed...I would have to tell you, you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love...I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

So many more words yes but sounds infinitely more elegant. I blame the fact that we are Americans. The English have a reputation for a love of the language. Depending on how it is said you can hear the extra care in the words when spoken. Yes, America was born of the English but we were also very desperate to separate ourselves from them. I mean have you ever wondered where accents originated from? Boston, Upstate New York, Brooklyn, Staten Island, "Minnesoda", Midwest, Texan, Southern. If the origins were from Britain, how did all of these accents spring up? Even within different regions there are different accents. It's kinda crazy. Language is crazy and wonderful and I want to learn as many as I can. Currently in the middle of learning French and Italian. And I want to become fluent in Spanish, but my confidence in my abilities is none. I think too much which in turn trips me up and I go blank. Anyways, language. Go read an Old English piece of literature. And don't think too much about the meanings but instead let the meanings just manifest themselves of their own accord. And if you're not ready for Old English, check out the 18th Century. You will not be disappointed.

Unless you want to be.

Sippin' on some Jack...

Often times than not music has the words that fit perfectly

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey St.
And she thinks..."hey
How did I come to this
I dreamed myself thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place"
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together
To grey, and it breaks her heart

Oh how she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears He doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her He might
She says "I pray
But they fall on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place?"
There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now,
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together
It's grey, and it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says "take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything
It will take the work out of the courage"
She says "please
There's a crazy man creeping that's outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world"

Oh there's an emptiness insider her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart...Oh and it breaks her heart
To grey, Yeah...

-"Grey Street" DMB

Remember the Time When We First Met

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with." - MJ

Now I don't remember the first time I was introduced to the music of Michael Jackson. I do remember however the first time I watched the whole thing of "Thriller" when I was like 4 yrs old and it scared the shit out of me. I think I watched it without permission too, cause you know that's how I do. :-) Little did I know that I just saw music history. Of course, I was only 4. I remember deciding that I needed to know how to moonwalk. So now I can. I remember the music videos that all seemed like short films. All brilliant. Learning the dances to Thriller, Smooth Criminal and Beat It cause it was so cool. I remember babysitting these two little boys and watching Michael Jackson videos every time and having dance parties with them. So much fun.

Yesterday we lost a brilliant performer and it's very surreal. A man that changed the music industry and revolutionized dance and entertainment. Michael Jackson was hands down a genius. You could not count the sheer number of people worldwide that know his music. The amount of people in the music world that name him as an influence. The people in the dance world that started dancing because of him. It's kinda ridiculous to think about the impact one guy could have and the type of legacy he could build. 750 million records sold worldwide, 13 Grammys (6 of those for Thriller {the best selling album of all time}), 13 Number One singles in his solo career. He holds multiple Guinness World Records including The Most Successful Entertainer of All Time. That's bigger than Elvis, The Beatles or any big name in music you can think of. I don't care what anyone says that is NUCKIN' FUTS!

The sad part is the vast majority of the younger generation of people that know of MJ know him cause of all the controversy that surrounded him in the late nineties into the 2000s. Those of us who grew up with him in the 70s (not me) and 80s (yup that's me) know him for his brilliance in entertainment. There never will be another Michael Jackson. And if there is then great. But I truly think (and I'm not alone on this) that Michael is one of a kind and that type of success will never be duplicated. I really don't think the youth of america really understand or grasp the magnitude of his influence. IT'S CRAZY! But forget all that stuff, he was accused of doing some pretty messed up things (which was never proven and he was acquitted) so of course that makes him scum. I'll be the first to say that he was a character and fairly eccentric and I don't get all the plastic surgery but hey whatever, people will do what they want. But I'm not gonna point a finger at him for things that I know nothing about and didn't witness myself. BUT I did witness his music, his music videos, and televised performances. I can attest to that.

Some people will choose to remember him by his eccentricity, unfounded allegations, odd behavior at times and his ever changing physical appearance. This person, however, will choose to honor his name. As I sit here watching his videos and still marveling at his music and choreography, I will remember his vast accomplishments in the music industry, internationally and his philanthropy. RIP Michael, we lost you too soon and I pity the fool who disgraces your legacy.

Better stick to performance art and photographing humanoids...

Alone.

In a crowded room.

Staring.

Blank faces.

Familiar smiles.

You know them.

A tree falls.

In an empty wood.

It still makes a sound.

Alone.

In a crowded room.

Loud noises.

Nothing distinct.

A buzz in your ear.

Incessant hum of bees.

Irritating.

Alone.

In a crowded room.

Open your mouth.

No sound.

Or is there?

No heads turn.

Obvious silence.

A tree falls.

In an empty wood.

It still makes a sound.

This has no meaning. I wrote it in 5 minutes. Poetry is dissatisfactory. I need a different medium.

NEXT!

I tried to run away to the circus once...

I'm afraid I've been thinking. A dangerous pastime. I know. (mega points for movie reference GO)

There are quite a few things that I used to do that I don't do anymore, that I enjoyed immensely.  Playing the saxophone for one. I started when I was 8. I got good, dare I say really good as time went by.  I've never procured my own instrument however, which proved to be an obnoxious setback once I went to college. I can play any saxophone. Alto I can't stand though. It's an annoying sound to me. Soprano is fun to play, though I dislike the music of Kenny G. Not to be read as "Kenny G is a sucky musician." He's a brilliant player. I just can't stand his music, I find it rather irritating.  Tenor sax is great as well, particularly in jazz. You have a nice mix of the upper register and it can still get fairly low and have a great bottom sound. Man! I miss playing jazz, it's so much fun to play. And bari sax. Oh my gosh! If you have never heard a well played bari sax, then you need to go listen to some Dave Matthews Band. LeRoi Moore (RIP) is flippin' amazing! Well played bari is one of the  sexiest sounds (no, your eyes deceive you not), in my opinion, that I've ever heard. Especially when you get to your GAB below the staff, you can feel it in your gut. Mm! 

Juggling is another thing I used to do a lot. So much fun to learn tricks and perfecting them and juggling clubs too. Plus it just looks cool if you're good :-) I was part of the juggling club first two years at Messiah then I don't know what happened. Most unfortunate. I used pine over the Dubé juggling catalog. When I was 15, I auditioned for Circus Smirkus, which if you're not from the New England area, is a kid's circus. Legit. Real professional. Kids from like 10-19 doing all circus acts. Flippin' amazing. Didn't get in. If I did, who knows what that would've led to but yea. But I have a special place for circus. 

I think I need to come back to the basics of me. I remember in high school knowing that I would study something in the arts cause at the time I couldn't see myself doing anything else. Now, I see myself doing a lot of different things. But I need to re-center I think. Get art back into my life in a greater capacity. I think I'm so stuck on what I should be doing as my "job", that I'm missing out on so much other stuff.  I need to come back to why I fell in love with art, performing and fine alike. Photography, music (I would love to get my hands on a sax again), acting, cooking, singing, dancing. Something about the arts is so freeing. The ability to put yourself into something that doesn't necessarily utilize words is just an amazing concept.  Playing music and dancing. Singing. I get the urge to sing sometimes but I'm talking songs that have some pretty hardcore belty parts. I think that is my draw to musicals.  Thank you Larry Carey for helping me discover belting and that I have a belt voice and a powerful one at that too.  Belting is just like purging your soul of whatever you're feeling.  It's kinda ridic. :sigh:

Yea a return to the basics.  Gotta work on that...

It ends with Chicago...

It's Official! Invisible Children's event The Rescue of Joseph Kony's Child Soldiers is over in the sense that all cities have been "rescued"!

The event started last Saturday in over 100 cities all over the world (yes we've gone international!) After a city in the US was rescued, then people went on to the next city to join those that still awaited to be rescued. IC had 3 buses starting in LA, NYC and DC that were deemed official Rescue Rider buses that went from city to city once a place got to rescued.  Everyone culminated in Chicago, who had troopers camping out and rallying all week. 

They spent the last 2 days really trying to get the attention of Oprah by marching around the offices and singing outside the studios. And this morning, Oprah came out and talked to Jason, Bobby and Laren (the filmmakers) and invited them in. She revamped her show to include this situation in East Central Africa, we were on the first 10 minutes and yea! This is HUGE! So many people watch and respect and look up to Oprah, she is by far one of the most influential people in this country and she does amazing work. So thank you to everyone that came out to the Rescue, supported the Rescue Riders in shelter, food, everything!  Thank you to all the moguls that came out and voiced their support for this organization.  All of the rescue riders that went city to city on a bus or in car and just rallied together to stand for something that is important. All of the Rescue Watchers that stayed online all day and night to keep Cam and Marcus awake while driving and contacted the media and moguls and harnessed the power of the internet and were part of the Chicago rescue that way! Fun times! 

We live in a country who's government is built on the principle, "FOR the people, BY the people."  Meaning that if enough of us take a stand and say that something is important to us and we need to do something about it, then they HAVE to respond to the pressure and they will because the Govt. doesn't like pressure, it makes them nervous :-).  But yea so, keep writing letters to your Reps. and Senators, keep letting them know what's important to you and don't let up because they do hear you and it does count. This is something coming from me cause I am the last person that meddles with politics.

Watch Oprah today at 4pm in your timezone if you can. And yea, NO child should have to fight in war...EVER.

Courtesy of Nathan (nathanboard.blogspot.com)

Cheers to us crazies!

Here’s to the crazy ones.

The misfits.
The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them,
disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things.

They invent. They imagine. They heal.
They explore. They create. They inspire.
They push the human race forward.

Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?
Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?
We make tools for these kinds of people.

While some see them as the crazy ones,
we see genius.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think
they can change the world, are the ones who do.

-- Steve Jobs/Apple Computer

Evidently, the KKK's good name was dragged through the dirt...

Fantastic just fantastic. This is exactly what I want to hear. 

God, help the people of this country. And is there a white culture? I mean seriously. I don't believe that your culture is determined by your skin colour but rather where you reside, where you came from and where your ancestors came from. Why can't people just view other people as well...I don't know...PEOPLE!

Apparently nothing is going on ANYWHERE in the world...

The news broadcasting system in this country is sad. 

Really it's just the subject matter that I have the issue with. I think we reach a new level of pathetic when we feel the need to report (for multiple days) on things such as the Obamas' new dog, the death of Anna Nicole Smith, the current state of the economy (which hasn't changed much in the past couple last time I checked), or the swine flu.  I'm sure I can count on one hand how many people actually cared that the president's family got a dog. WHOOPIE! Let us know when they decide to give it bath, alright? Thanks! I didn't even know who Anna Nicole was, cause apparently she had a HUGE effect on society, yet I found out more about her death, and custody battles, what's gonna happen with her kids etc. when I worked at a news station.  The swine flu. Not saying it's not important but I don't think it deserves HOURS of coverage from every angle you could possibly view this story from, multiple days in a row.  NEWS FLASH! There are plenty of things going on around the world (and all over the country) that should be brought to the attention of the masses that they don't know about. You have these all-day networks that air the "news" from dawn til dusk and yet do the same 5 stories hour after hour after hour. I watched CNN for about an hour today and the WHOLE THING was on the swine flu. I'm willing to bet that the Swine Flu was all day. Hour after hour of the same thing. If you're gonna claim to be a major news reporter than PLEASE for the love of God FIND. NEW. MATERIAL! There are HUNDREDS of things that should be covered; protests, wars, situations etc. We have the technology that we can have in-depth reports on human trafficking, on the state of Venezuela, on civil wars going on all over Africa, any humanitarian, environmental, political issue (and I don't mean a Senator's party switch). Whatever!  There's plenty of news that we don't know about and probably should know about so as that we can't claim ignorance to. 

:Sigh:

Excuse me, I must go rest and prepare myself for another day of the swine flu.

Stand...Stand...Trying...

She never slows down

She doesn't know why but she knows that when 

She's all alone

Feels like it's all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries

That first tear

The tears will not stop raining down

Kudos with M&ms to you...

I just want to commend anyone who actually reads this and gets through an entire entry.  I apologize for the length.  My problem is that once I get going on something that I actually have something to say about, I go until I run out of words.

I run out of words faster when I talk.  I think my vocabulary increases exponentially when I write and in turn decreases just as rapidly when I speak.  I blame the afternoon I had to watch Spongebob No Brains against my will for 4 hours. For the record, I hate Spongebob.  I hate Patrick the Dumbass Starfish even more.  I wanna punch him in the face. I have a reason too! There was (don't know if it still exists) this game on nick.com where you had to make crabby patties to order in a certain amount of time.  Simple. But then Patrick the Friendly Starfish sometimes comes and EATS your crabby patties and you have to do them over.  Of course, the friggin starfish always came when my burgers were either complete or almost complete. This simple act of eating has forever caused me to utterly loathe his very existence with every fiber of my being.  Again I wanna punch him in the face.

El fin.

I am White Man, hear me roar!

White Man's Burden.

Seriously?

Do we really think about it? Do we really embrace it, whether it be consciously or subconsciously? Now I can't speak from experience cause well, I'm not white, I don't need a tanning bed, the sun does a nice job in a matter of hours.  I'm very Spanish or Swedish, depending on whom you ask.  I think it would be appropriate to change "White Man's Burden" to "Western Culture's Burden." The thought behind this phrase, first brought about by Rudyard Kipling, refers to the West's self-imposed obligation to colonized and westernize the rest of the world.  To push our culture, beliefs and various ways of life onto "less civilized people" , in total utter disregard of these people's already existing ways of life.  I think it has morphed over time into an apparently driving force to fix everything wrong in the world.  To be "the Rescuer." Superman.  Swooping down to save Lois Lane.  The knight in shining armor saving the Damsel in Distress.  Is this really the "white man's" mentality? Cause frankly I know plenty of people who are very content going about they're business, not worrying about anyone else's problems but they're own.  They don't care unless something is in it for them.  There are plenty however, who do see the different atrocities going on around the world and believe that if they are not doing something, anything, then they are part of the problem. 

I am one of these such people.  I don't think it stems from "white man's burden."  I believe it's more of a recognition.  A recognition that as a member of humanity, there are certain things that should never be turned a blind eye.  Things like slavery, human trafficking, genocide, exploitation etc.  Realizing that you have the privilege of living in one of the most powerful countries in the world.  A country that has tremendous influence.  How do we know this?  I think it says something when countries all over the world are waiting for the outcome of our presidential elections.  That speaks volumes, loud and clear.  Unfortunately, certain actions and language choices can be and have been construed as falling under WMB.  I don't really wanna get all political but I will say that I don't agree with everything the US does internationally.  Sometimes it seems like we are bullies.  We feel the need to try to fix every conflict we join.  Vietnam, the Korean War; these did not go so well (technically we're still at war with North Korea).  And now, Operation Iraqi Freedom.  When did a manhunt turn into "let's free the people of Iraq?"  Did they ask us to do this? Send us an email? A box of chocolate with a note? No, now because we've been there so long, we can't even pull all of our troops out because if we do the country may very well fall apart.  Or Operation Enduring Freedom (anti-terrorist retaliation in Afghanistan).   But there's a difference between politically motivated decisions and wanting to punish crimes against humanity.  I don't think there is anything wrong in using your power, money and influence to aid other countries and band together with other institutions and organizations to put an end to humanitarian issues and help other countries continue to develop and become stronger.  

I think when a country clearly has leadership that is slowly killing the people, like President Omar al-Bashir of Sudan, then we need to pressure the UN, NATO and ICC to really step in.  Of course that might work if the UN had more militaristic jurisdiction, which of course it basically has none.  They are only around as peacekeepers which is all well and good but I think there should be a branch that can also take the offensive so that way we can avoid another Rwanda.  Or if all of these international judicial branches were able to intervene at a level that maybe they wish they could. But because of checks and balances and accountability and all that, it's not possible because everyone wants to keep things democratic and distribute power evenly so as no one institution has absolute or more power than anyone else, which is understandable.  As seen throughout history, absolute power is fun for awhile but in the end it just gets you killed cause you piss off the wrong people.  The Mob come after you. Seriously, they say Hitler killed himself. I say that the Mob got fed up with him and decided it was time he was out of the picture.  Happens all the time.  

But seriously, don't let anyone accuse you of taking a stand because you feel this burden to fix stuff based on what hemisphere you come from.  If you truly believe that you can help bring about change in a situation and that situation deserves adequate attention because it involves other living human beings, then do it.  If you believe that every person has rights to basic needs like food, clean water, health care, and education then by God go build a well, go teach them, go treat them, go teach them how to treat so that they can treat and teach others how to treat.  Get the ball rolling.  Pay it forward.  Don't give anyone the opportunity to use the line "I didn't know" or "I never knew that".  Do it until someone tells you they don't want it.  OK, that's fine.  Then you just go and find the next person that does.

I think they were on to something...

The world is a vampire.

That's the opening line to the Smashing Pumpkins' song " Bullet with Butterfly Wings." It's the only song I like from the Smashing Pumpkins. I think because I saw the video or something or I liked the title.  I don't know. I do know that I'm not a huge fan of the Pumpkins, the main reason being I can't stand Billy Corgan's singing voice. Never acquired the taste.  Anyways, statement up there. It's so true.  Let's take this in pieces shall we.

Obvious component of the analogy is VAMPIRE.  I've always had a thing for vampires.  Not sure why but they fascinate me.  Every Halloween for a while I was a vampire.  Don't get me wrong the whole drinking blood deal is kind of awkward.  But since Twilight  has introduced this concept of "vegetarian" vampires (only going after animals, which is what we eat anyway), they are re-fascinating.  Throw in immortality, becoming absolutely gorgeous, super-human strength and speed plus ridiculously heightened senses.  Totally worth it.  Anyways, back to original discussion.  Vampires suck the life out of a living creature, human, animal, jellyfish, whatever.  This can happen one of two ways.  The most commonly known drinking of blood, obviously essential to existence, vamp or not.  The second, not so commonly known at all, is feeding off of one's emotional energy.  Not really sure how that works.  I think I knew about it once upon a time, in a land far away, but no más.  You can Google it if you're curious and find out about it.  OK that covers the vampire part.  Next is the world part.  What constitutes the "world?"  I think it's safe to say we are not talking about the physical being that is Earth.  If we were then people would be the vampires so to speak as far as sucking the life out of the Earth, which we do.  So this can only mean that the "world" is the collective human species.  Not just people themselves but all of the stuff that we have brought about whilst in existence. 

The world has and always will be a very draining place to be.  I think it is getting even more so over time because now we have the technology and ability to be informed and to an extent bear witness to many many things that happen all over the world.  We used to just get our information from periodicals, which still offer a degree of feeling removed from the situation if it's not happening down the street, and word of mouth; if we take a page from the beloved game Telephone we know that by the time we get the story it's changed 47 times and very loosely resembles the original.  But especially in this country, we can't claim that we know nothing, that there was no way we could have found out. Unless you live under a rock, in a cave, in the middle of the desert with no TV, radio, internet access or social interaction of any kind, you can't claim ignorance.  Having all sorts of national, international, social, humanitarian and environmental issues being brought to our attention is tiring.  It's even more so draining when when our "I wanna do something about this" drive kicks in but we can't because we don't know where to start etc.  And as if being bothered and thinking about all of the world's problems isn't enough, let's not forget ourselves and those that we hold dear. 

It saddens me when I talk to my friends, or when I feel it myself, and they are drained, tired and utterly exhausted in every way this side of Monday.  When they feel like the life is literally being sucked out of them because they have a heart and soul.  Unfortunately, it's inevitable.  If you have just an ounce of humanity in you, you can't help but give of yourself to those around you.  Life requires it of you.  Beliefs require it of you.  Sometimes, depending on your field, your job requires it of you.  Life is tiring, unfortunately.  There's no avoiding it completely unless you decide that you're just going to commune with rocks, trees and a cave monkey.  This is why we're meant to commune with each other.  So that there is a balance between the giving of one's self and the receiving from another.  I could on and on about that but I shall refrain.  So taking into account the whole of society, the everyday ongoing predicament that is one's own life and all of those other people that are essential to one's survival in this world, I think it's safe to say that the Pumpkins have it right. 

The world is a vampire.

Pour me a tall glass of some live music...

Live music gets me high.

It always has.  Always will.  Unless it's bad...cause that will just ruin your weekend.  But if it's good then we're in business.  Endorphins released by exercise and all that crap yea doesn't work on me.  I work out and afterwards I'm like "yea that was fun I guess."  I go to a concert however and I am a happy camper for the next 3 days.  If I go to more than one in a week than whooooa Buddy!  I could just die happy.  There is nothing like being at a performance and hearing the music happening right then.  CDs are great and all but there's just an energy all around, especially if everyone else is getting into it, that matches no other.  I understand that people may not necessarily be "concert" people and stuff and it's understandable. Some concerts, particularly arena concerts are a bit pricy and can be fairly long especially if there are multiple openers.  If it's a smaller venue, chances are everyone is standing and packed in tight.  I get that, trust me.  I tend to get a bit claustrophobic in large crowds if I'm not outside.  But my love for concerts trumps that.  I have yet to meet someone however, that does not like live music.  If I ever do I think I would have to walk away quickly as to not smack them until they came to their senses.  That I will never wrap my head around.  I will go seek out live music and bands that I like by myself and go enjoy by myself but I do prefer to go with people but only if I know said people will enjoy themselves.  If they won't then don't bother coming. 

 

Being a good performer is key to a good concert.  I've been to concerts that sucked from bands that I liked cause they didn't put on a good show like Lifehouse.  Metallica, Mae and The Script are the 3 concerts I've been to recently and they are good performances.  If the band is going crazy on stage it makes me wanna go crazy in the audience and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that feels like that while watching a show.  All of these other people are just standing around watching, rocking a little bit, boppin' a little bit but not really getting into the music.  So my self-conscious side comes out and I don't go as crazy as I'd like to.  Live just makes me wanna jump, head-bang, skank, dance, whatever.  And it gets on my nerves for some reason when people are just standing around.  I think bands should do two shows.  One that is a regular show for whoever and one that is strictly for going crazy, singing along.  Basically just for those who wanna go all out buckwhilin' crazy!  That would be pretty sweet.  And then drinks with the band afterwards if it's a small venue :-).  

 

I think it would be cool to be in a band and perform in front of people and traveling around the country in a van and stuff.  It would suck sometimes but I think it would be really fun.  Because you would be performing music in front of lots of people who just wanna have a good time.  And if it's good music? Big Plus.  :sigh: I think I've found my calling...

Let's see who happens across this shall we...

Hello readers of the outside world!

If you just happened upon this then good on ya cause then my experiment was successful.  For some reason I felt the need to start a blog of sorts, without any advertising and see how long it takes someone to find it and if you have then it worked.  Have a Xanga, probably will shut it down like Guantanamo Bay because it's got all sorts of crap floating around and whatnot so let's try something different. Be forewarned, I do have a tendency to leave out words in my sentences. Not on purpose of course, it just happens. My brain works faster than my fingers so forgive me, I shall try to remember to proof before publishing. So.  Here I sit, with questions floating around in my brain and I figure what is the harm in posing them to the masses.  I'll use this place as a sounding board for thoughts, ideas, observations of life, photographs and probably just sheer ridiculousness.

Question of the day- How do you know you're passionate about something?

This is something that has been driving me crazy.  I think that a passion is something that has a significant pull on you, that may even influence your decisions in some capacity.  Something that you can't picture your life without.  You may not be pursuing it as fully as you wish but you're at least working with it somehow.  Everyone has likes.  Things they like to do, people they like to be with etc.  Don't get me wrong you can have more than one passion and I do believe they take different forms.  But a passion is something more than just a "like."  Take myself.  I like to cook.  I dare to say that I love to cook.  I find it fun, I enjoy when people like my food, plus it gives a great sense of accomplishment. However, I could never make a career out of it.  I don't feel the need to pursue it full steam ahead.  Plus I think I'd get sick of it, despite my strong intrigue of working in a fast paced kitchen.  Here's my dilemma.  I can't recognize a passion in my life.  I can see myself doing 80 different things and others can see me doing 80 different things.  I like doing many things from acting to photography to saving the world to even med. school.  But I don't feel that driving force towards anything.  Something is amiss and I do not know what it is.  It's as frustrating as hell and I don't know where to go from here.  All I've got so far is that I need to be helping people, impacting society in some way but do you know how many avenues you could take to accomplish that?? HUNDREDS!  I have a strong belief that you should be doing something you enjoy or at least have something that you're working towards that you enjoy to supplement whatever else it is you're doing that may suck, so that life is more bearable.  I mean how does one continue to live like this?  Obviously I'm missing something.  Not sure what it is though.  It may be something so obscure that I need my people to help me see it.  Or it may be as simple as letting God more into my life and hopefully pointing the way.  I don't know but I do know this.  I need some hardcore intellectual stimulation like more education or something.

Anyways, ponder that.  And again if you have found this. Congratulations.  I'll mail you a cookie for your accomplishment.